


Only You Can Ease My Pain

by ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry



Series: Stucky OneShots [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, How Do I Tag, M/M, Soulmate AU, bucky doesn’t remember until it’s too late, im honestly sorry, no happy ending, what even is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 02:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29619186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry/pseuds/ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry
Summary: * based on the prompt: “only your soulmate can kill you” *
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Stucky OneShots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2134059
Kudos: 9





	Only You Can Ease My Pain

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t good at all. I’m sorry. It’s also not happy at all. Sorry for that, too.

“they must have information we don’t have,” fury informed them as he stepped into the conference room. he locked eyes with sam, steve, and natasha in turn. “you’re sure none of you know who the winter soldier is behind the mask?”  
natasha’s eyebrows knitted together. “he... i don’t know. they never gave us their real names. too much of a risk that we’d remember.”  
sam tapped his fingers against the table. “is he your soulmate? maybe they always knew he was, so that’s why he was assigned to you. he could kill you if you got out of hand, or vice versa.” sam didn’t know natasha’s whole backstory, but there were some common facts about the black widow that everyone knew. a bit of research and... well, it wasn’t hard to connect the dots.  
she glared. “clint’s my soulmate,” she reminded him. then looked at steve’s smirk and rolled her eyes, “platonic soulmates are a thing, rogers.”  
“yeah. yeah, i know,” steve teased.  
she ignored him. “but who could he be after? the winter soldier is know for completely destroying people, but he can’t kill anyone who isn’t his soulmate...”  
“are we sure his mission was to kill steve, or are we assuming?” sam countered. he may be the new guy, but he wasn’t afraid to argue.  
“he tried to kill me,” steve confirmed.  
“well, is he your soulmate then?”  
“no,” steve replied immediately, even if he wasn’t completely sure... “i mean, you can only have one soulmate, right?”  
“as far as we know, yes. but you were practically reborn. i know you weren’t, but there is still a chance you have two soulmates since you have two different lives 70 years apart,” fury explained.  
“but, the winter soldier has been around for decades, probably as old as me if not older. if he was my soulmate, he... i would’ve known before,” steve countered.  
“was peggy your soulmate?” natasha asked, but she seemed to know the answer.  
“does it matter?”  
“but you know who it is?” sam asked. “you’ve never really mentioned anyone, so i wasn’t sure if you actually found them or not.”  
steve took a deep breath. the soft hands rubbing his back when he was sick. “yeah. yeah, i knew who it was.”  
“the science behind it doesn’t matter,” fury huffed. “the point is that hydra thinks the winter soldier is your soulmate. they wouldn’t just assume that, so we have reason to believe it’s true. the winter soldier is their most valuable assassin.”  
“he’s not my soulmate.”  
“who was?”  
“i- does that really matter?”  
“if you’re certain that the winter soldier is not your soulmate, tell us why. the only way to really know is if he kills you, which he hasn’t done yet.”  
steve crossed his arms. “that’s not the only way, and you all know that.”  
“elaborate, captain.”  
“yeah, your soulmate is the only one who can kill you, but that’s not the only trait they have. you find your soulmate because you rely on them completely. once you meet them, it tears you apart when you’re not around them. they’re your main concern constantly,” steve explained. he bit his lip then added, “you love them so much it hurts, and you know there will never be anything like it. you can’t resist.”  
sam sent him a concerned glance and natasha smirked, but steve just stared at fury. fury shook his head. “you haven’t spent enough time around the winter soldier to know if those traits apply to him or not.”  
steve stood up. “he is not my soulmate.”  
“how do you know?”  
“james buchanan barnes fell off the train seventy years ago because i couldn’t save him. since then, i haven’t felt truly complete, and i will NEVER be that happy again,” steve stated. then he left, the door swinging shut behind him.  
***  
he was punching the bag in front of him, remembering all those fights bucky had to pull him out of, when natasha found him three hours later. “fury wants to use you as bait.”  
“let him,” steve responded without stopping.  
“if you’re certain he’s not your soulmate then... i mean, there’s a chance the guy behind the mask is your soulmate, so i don’t know if that’s the best idea.”  
“bucky’s dead,” steve said. his mouth dried instantly. “bucky’s my soulmate. there is no one else.”  
“but-“  
“no, natasha. unless bucky is somehow behind that mask, then it’s not him.”  
“i just don’t think it’s the best idea for you to go in there without any preparation. hydra may be evil, but they usually have the right information. they think he’s your soulmate, so don’t take that lightly.”  
steve stopped punching, turning to stare at natasha. “if, some fucking how, he IS my soulmate, then he’ll kill me.”  
“steve-“  
“if he kills me, then he does, nat. i don’t care. really, i don’t. without bucky... i don’t know. i thought i could handle this, but since i watched him fall, nothing’s been the same.”  
she gasped, suddenly. it was strange to see surprise on natasha’s face; she seemed to know everything before anyone else even had a clue. “i always wondered why you crashed the plane. there were so many options that involved you getting out of there safely. banner said you were panicking too much, and that’s why you didn’t think of anything. stark said you were just trying to die a hero, and you took the first chance you got. clint and i... we were always confused, but we figured you just thought that was the best way for everyone. but, that’s not the whole story, is it?”  
steve didn’t have to reply. she’d already figured it out. he answered anyway, wanting to finally tell someone, to admit it. “i crashed it on purpose. it hurt so bad, and i never thought it would. my chest constantly felt like it was being pulled apart, and i couldn’t even seem to laugh the right way. there was NOTHING that could fix it, but the ice did, temporarily, at least. the cold made me numb, and that made me focus on things that were somehow more painful than losing bucky.”  
“then you woke up.”  
“unfortunately,” steve replied. “he’s still gone. so, yeah. i’ll be your bait. and if the winter soldier is able to kill me, then i’ll let him.”  
***  
the next time they saw the winter soldier, they weren’t prepared. not that there was much they could do to prepare for the scene they experienced even if they could.

they were running, spread out enough that they couldn’t all be shot with one bullet. steve sped faster, leaving them behind on his sides. “i’ve got this. leave,” he called back. they didn’t listen, but he was still ahead of them.  
the winter soldier was just standing there, staring at him. his eyes looked blank, but his hands seemed to be shaking. the knife blade was moving, unintentionally.  
“hey,” steve greeted as he approached the assassin. he tried to be friendly, but he wasn’t entirely sure why. maybe this WAS his soulmate, for this lifetime, at least. “they say we’re soulmates. i don’t- i’m not sure if i believe that, since i used to have someone, but... they want you to kill me,” steve continued.  
the winter soldier moved, quickly and quietly. he shuffled forward, pushing the knife blade forward. steve flinched back, but it grazed his side anyway. he brought his elbow down against the winter soldier’s wrist, making the knife fall to the ground. the soldier didn’t hesitate, grabbing and twisting steve’s forearm. steve hissed, swinging his foot back to kick the soldier’s knee. he felt a punch hit the side of his head and he blinked slowly, then punched back.  
steve knew he was fighting back. maybe he was even winning, but he was definitely holding his own. that is until...

steve grabbed the soldier’s (sharp) jaw, pulling him over his shoulder and slamming him into the ground. he heard the soldier cough, so steve took that second to rub the sweat off his forehead. he glanced around him, seeing a few scared pedestrians across the street from them. there wasn’t much damage outside of their own bodies.  
he felt someone grip his ankle and ripped it away. he looked down, prepared to stomp the soldier’s face. “bucky?,” he whispered, losing his balance and falling forward. his crotch ended up right against bucky’s lips, his breaths hitting right where they used to for years. steve instantly relaxed, biology allowing him to feel safe around bucky.  
though that wasn’t the case this time...  
he was shoved into the gravel then someone was straddling his chest. he felt the metal blade against his knife, and yet, he was still calm.  
“bucky,” he repeated, smiling up at the unmistakable blue eyes above him. he raised his arm to stroke bucky’s cheek, but bucky readjusted and pushed it back down with his knee.  
“i don’t know who bucky is,” the familiar, yet slightly different, voice replied.  
“bucky was- IS- my soulmate,” steve told him. “bucky is you.”  
“i am not bucky. i am the winter soldier. you are my mission.”  
steve jolted, making bucky flinch and push the knife further against his adam’s apple. steve tried not to swallow. he closed his eyes, letting the weight on his chest calm him. “til the end of the line, james buchanan barnes,” steve whispered, then the knife scraped his throat.  
he could feel his eyes widen, opening as he panicked. he was so ready to die, but his body’s first reaction was to survive. he coughed, watching the dark blood squirt out of his throat and into the air. his mouth tasted like metal, and his head slumped toward his shoulder. he blinked slowly as his vision blurred. he tried to focus on bucky. “we really are soulmates,” steve laughed. the pain in his throat made him want to scream, but he didn’t.  
bucky was alive. bucky was his soulmate. bucky just cut his throat. bucky was going to be the one responsible for his death.  
steve coughed again. “iloveyou, iloveyou, iloveyou,” steve tried to yell. his voice was raspy, his throat throbbing.  
“steve?” the voice asked.  
steve opened his eyes (he hadn’t even realized he closed them. or maybe he had noticed. he wasn’t sure). “yeah, jerk, it’s me.”  
“steve,” bucky repeated. he was crying, black smearing on his cheeks as he laid over steve’s body. he slid his hands under steve’s shoulders, raising him on his lap. bucky lifted his head, hoping he would stop choking.  
it didn’t help. steve kept coughing, breathing shaky like it had been during his asthma attacks. the memory pressed against bucky, making it feel as if his head was closing inward. “steve, come on. stay strong. don’t fucking die on me, punk.”  
“you died first,” steve choked out. he laughed again, spraying bucky’s face with blood.  
bucky ignored it. instead, he focused on using his right hand to hold steve up as he ripped half of his shirt off at the bottom. he pressed the material against steve’s throat, pressing to stop the bleeding. this just made steve choke more, making bucky panic.  
“steve, steve. no. soulmates, remember? please. i can’t- i don’t know- i don’t remember anything... just, just you. i love you. please. please. steve,” bucky pled.  
“cap?” a new voice (sam. it was sam) called. he felt the new body drop beside him. “get the fuck away from him, dude,” sam growled, obviously talking to bucky.  
“n- no,” steve managed. he didn’t feel any more pain. “bucky. happy,” he stated. then he grabbed bucky’s back. “bucky,” he repeated.  
“oh. oh. bucky, alright. well, let me see your neck.” bucky hesitated at sam’s words. “i know what i’m doing. trust me. you’re the one who did this, so just- let me do this, alright?”  
bucky seemed to agree because steve felt himself be moved onto the rocky gravel. he huffed, reaching for bucky without opening his eyes. his throat hurt again, but it disappeared when bucky grabbed his hand.  
“it’s alright, steve. just, hold on. stay awake, okay? can you do that for me?”  
“no. no. ‘m too tired, buck. love you, good night.”  
“no, stevie. you gotta stay awake, okay?” bucky was stroking his hair.  
he felt pressure on his neck, but it was gone almost instantly. “shit. i don’t- i don’t think i can save him,” sam admitted. the pressure was back. “i don’t- i think i’ll have to stitch it together, but i don’t have anything to use and-“  
“save him,” bucky was pleading, making steve’s chest hurt. he didn’t want bucky to be sad. he squeezed bucky’s hands. “please. i know this is my fault, but- it HURTS.”  
“i know it does, man. but... there’s nothing i can do.”  
“at least you know you’re actually his soulmate,” it was natasha.  
steve smiled. “love bucky. i do,” steve stated. “sleep, bucky. we need to sleep. i’m tired. it’s cold, buck. you got work in the morning, and i got an appointment,” steve reminded him.  
“oh, steve.”  
“this is it. i’m so sorry. i wish-“ sam rubbed steve’s head. “love you, cap.” steve wasn’t sure why sam was there, and cap was a distant memory that he couldn’t seem to care about.  
“it’ll be alright, rogers,” natasha added.  
“i’m okay. i’m always sick. i’m fine,” steve replied. “only buck can kill me, not some silly disease.”  
bucky choked back a sob. “yeah... yeah, stevie. go to sleep, pal. it’s alright. i love you so much.”  
“til the end of the line,” steve muttered. he nuzzled into bucky’s chest. his throat felt sore, but he WAS getting over a cold, so it made sense.  
“and then even farther,” bucky whispered back. he kissed steve’s head, but steve’s eyes were already glazed over.

bucky pulled steve’s (dead) body to his chest, rocking back and forth. “i don’t know who i am,” he admitted. “my head hurts when i think about anything except him. but now... he’s dead, and it’s my fault. i killed him because he’s my soulmate, and my chest feels like it’s being torn apart. my ribs are pushing into my sides.”  
“we’ll get you cleared. that- it wasn’t really you. they were controlling you. you- you wouldn’t have hurt him like that,” sam assured him.  
bucky didn’t respond, just kissed steve’s bloody lips and stroked his hair. he mumbled apologies against his soulmate’s skin over and over until nick fury arrived.  
***  
bucky didn’t go to the funeral.  
sam and natasha hung up a picture of the two boys beside steve’s casket.  
bucky rode a train, remembering every detail about steve.  
his final thought was falling off the train.  
he recreated the memory, hoping he wouldn’t survive this time.  
he couldn’t.  
not without steve.  
not when he didn’t deserve to.

steve rogers and james barnes were best friends, but more importantly they were soulmates. neither of them wanted to survive without the other, couldn’t even if they had. their souls had been made for one another. with one of them gone... it wasn’t enough. pain wasn’t worth it when their other wasn’t nearby to ease it.


End file.
